Forks Daily News: Twilight Fiasco
by pinfeather
Summary: Jacob and Edward are battling it out for Bella's love . . . on a reality TV show. Unfortunately, disaster strikes during the much-anticipated Shirt Removal Competition. Written in news article format. Rated T for violence.


**Forks Daily News: Cast of **_**Twilight**_** Depleted After TV Show Fiasco**

The wildly popular reality TV show, _My Heart Belongs to Bella_, came to a startlingly abrupt end this weekend.

The Paranormal Romance Network first announced their plans for the show in December of last year. Thousands of fans had been disappointed by the climax of Stephanie Meyer's fourth book, _Breaking Dawn_.

"It's so totally unfair that Bella ended up with Edward," said Jamie Waldinger, 13, of Forks, Oregon. "I mean, seriously! The guy's a freak. Now, Jacob—there's your guy! I LOVE YOU, JACOB!"

Waldinger was later arrested for attempting to bulldoze the Cullen home while singing the chorus to _You Belong With Me_.

PRN decided to capitalize on the Twilight controversy with _My Heart Belongs to Bella._ On the show, various acquaintances of Bella Swan would be given the chance to compete for her hand in marriage.

Some of the original contestants included not only Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, but Charlie Swan, Emmett Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, and Mike Newton.

Carlisle and Emmett were immediately disqualified, since neither was eligible for marriage. Charlie Swan's permission to compete was also called into question. Ultimately it was decided that if he won, he would be allowed to vaporize all of his daughter's suitors.

Mike Newton was allowed to remain on the show. As part of a protest later that afternoon, eleven preteen girls burned Newton in effigy. The charred dummy was then layered between two giant graham crackers and a gigantic slab of chocolate, and eaten.

"This is all just . . . just very, very stressful," Newton said in a press conference. "I'm a pacifist. Violence makes me throw up. I . . . I think I need to go to the bathroom."

The contestants themselves had mixed feelings about the show.

"Since I've imprinted on Bella's infant daughter, Renesmee, I no longer feel any need for a romantic relationship with a woman of my own age," Jacob Black explained. "I have come to terms with the fact that Bella and I are simply not meant to be, and I look forward to my life with Nessie . . . hey, where's everybody going?"

Said Edward Cullen, "I don't see what all this is about. Bella and I are already married. Bella is the only woman I've ever loved. The only woman I ever WILL love."

When asked for his thoughts about his chances of winning, Charlie Swan said, "Uh, dunno."

Mike Newton, marshmallow though he be, was adamant. "I think that deep down inside, Bella is still the sensitive, loving girl I fell for in high school, and if she looks past my soft, cushy exterior, she'll discover that I have the capacity for greatness just as much as Edward does. And also I can juggle."

The judges for the show were Bella, her daughter Renesmee, various members of the Volturi, and Stephanie Meyer. Early on, Meyer dropped out of the show to finish the day's laundry. She was consequently replaced with rising star Norbert Morose.

Morose, 19, of Boston, Connecticut, is the glow-in-the-dark zombie hero of the upcoming romance novel _Heart of Mold_. "I only signed up for the show to promote my book," he said.

Filming went easily and the contestants took naturally to the challenges: obstacle courses, motorcycle racing, cliff-diving, writing lullabies, general romantic aptitude, and speed-knitting.

The now-popular show hit a snag, however, during the much-anticipated Shirt Removal competition, taking place in the now-famous Forks Meadow. While Black's performance was dazzling, Swan's and Newton's were less than so. Additionally, Cullen adamantly refused to challenge Black's record-breaking score of 17,008,031.6 out of 10. His shirt stayed on.

As cause, Cullen cited "the sparkling, you know, the sparkling." Tension grew as Black accused Cullen of cowardice, and Newton attempted to crawl out of the arena through the shrubbery. Mrs. Cullen approached the field to defuse the situation.

At about that time, a squad of vampire slayers emerged from the woods and laid waste to the arena. Most of the footage for the show was destroyed during the battle. Two Volturi were staked and another seven were wounded. The zombie Morose was found dead . . . well, technically, re-dead . . . deep in the shrubbery. Bella and Renesmee Cullen have been moved to a "safe house" which our sources say is in Topeka.

As for the contestants: Swan is currently missing, and Cullen is in critical condition at the local hospital after having his shirt torn off and stuffed down his throat. Black disappeared into the woods and has not reemerged.

Newton has been recruited by the creative team in charge of _Heart of Mold_. Norbert Morose was formerly cast as the gloomy, glow-in-the-dark zombie hero. Mike Newton will now star as the nervous, marshmallowy, glow-in-the-dark zombie hero. He must first, of course, be transformed into a zombie.

"Aaaghhh! Someone help meeee!" he said at their latest press conference.

Stephanie Meyer plans to sue the author of _Heart of Mold _for plagiarism, and the World Vampire Slayers Association for gratuitous slaughter.

"We consider this our finest hour," said the chairman of the board of WVSA, a Ms. Bommers. "We have weakened the Volturi. Our next step is to bulldoze the Cullen home. Beware, undead monsters. We shall have vengeance!"

The Paranormal Romance Network plans to soon release all available footage from _My Heart Belongs to Bella _on DVD. They are unsure who would have won the competition, had the show run its course.

"Well, things were looking very good for Jacob," said Ms. Meyer, "but we all know that in the end, Edward has always been the one for Bella. And I know that all of my fans will agree wholeheartedly with me."

In a fitting conclusion to the episode, Jacob's many fans declared war on Forks, and Team Edward responded by bulldozing Jacob's home in La Push.

It is widely believed that the rest of the nation will simply ignore this crisis and get on with its life.


End file.
